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BroJoe

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Received this as a Fwd just now & thought you might enjoy it

 

 

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7.. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@.. kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?"



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Curatolo

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Bro Joe:

 

  This reminded me of a real-life example.  When I first arrived at Pfizer (as a single man!) in 1983, I invited my boss and his wife over for dinner.  At one point, one of them opened my refrigerator to get something, and the two of them burst out laughing because the plastic egg-holder had limes in it rather than eggs.

 

- Bill '66

TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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As I place my hands on my hips - "Not funny." but true.
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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #4 

Here's another from todays assortment -

 

>> A married couple in their early 60s was out
>> > celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet,
>> > romantic little restaurant.
>> >
>> > Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared
>> > on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary
>> > married couple and for being faithful to each other
>> > for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
>> >
>> > "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
>> > husband" said the wife.
>> >
>> > The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -
>> > two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner
>> > appeared in her hands.
>> >
>> > Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a
>> > moment and said:
>> >
>> > "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity
>> > like this will never come again.
>> >
>> > I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
>> > years younger than me."
>> >
>> > The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a
>> > wish is a wish...
>> >
>> > So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the
>> > husband
>> > became 92 years old.
>> >
>> > The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful
>> > bastards should remember that fairies are female.
>>
>
>
>


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Bro. Joe
BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #5 

Bill, Fridges tell it all! Thanks,   Yet another of today's -

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
 
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
 
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went
flying
and broke and made a mess."
 
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
 
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
 
"Very good," said the teacher.
 
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
 
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before
they're hatched."
 
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
 
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
 
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.
 
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
 
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
 
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets.
 
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then
she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
 
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
 
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"


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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #6 

Sorry, this penultimate never made it through cyberspace -

 

Subject: A Riddle

 

 


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side
is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at
the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running
at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely
get out of this highly dangerous situation?


If you do not know, see answer below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!


 

--


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JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #7 

 

Thank you!

TonyCasamento69

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Reply with quote  #8 

Note: I've removed the posts with photos due to the technical difficulties in viewing them.  I will work with Bro. Joe to get them reposted.


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Tony Casamento '69
BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #9 

 

 

 


Noah in 2006    

In the year 200
6 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another
Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.


"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"


"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.


Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to c! lear the

passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!


When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.


They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.


Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
  


I 'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm

supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.


The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.


To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.


So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."


Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"


"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
  

  

  


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Reply with quote  #10 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!



Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.



We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 
 
 
 
Scroll down.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


You've got Male!
?






 


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Bro. Joe
BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #11 
Moses, Jesus and an old man were out golfing one day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The old man drives his ball, it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was picked up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, it crashed onto the green, the fish flopped out of its mouth, and the ball rolled out of the fish and into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."




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Tony71

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Moses and Jesus seem to play a lot of golf.

 

One day they were out and they came to a long par 3 -- 200 yards with a need to carry 180 to get over a water hazard.

 

Jesus steps up to the tee with a five iron. Moses says, "you can't get over to the green with a five iron. The way you play, You'll you need at least a 3 iron to clear the water."

 

Jesus say, "I saw Tiger Woods make this shot with a five iron." He sets up swings and the ball goes up and comes down in the middle of the water."

 

Jesus looks at Moses sheepishly and asks, "could you help me out?"

 

Moses lifts his club and parts the water so that Jesus can retrieve his ball..

 

He returns to the tee, five iron still in hand. Moses again chastises him and Jesus again responds how he saw Tiger Woods make this shot with a five iron.

 

Same club, same story. Ball is in the water, he again implores Moses to help and the water is split, the ball retrieved.

 

Back to the tee, five iron still in hand. Moses warns, you go in the water this time and you are on your own.

 

Jesus disregards his warning, hits the ball and "plop". Moses rolls his eyes and Jesus just shrugs his shoulders as he heads out to the water's edge and proceeds to walk on the water to retrieve his ball.

 

As he is doing this, the next group arrives at the tee. One of them sees Jesus walking on the water and asks Moses, "hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

 

To which Moses responds, "No, he thinks he's Tiger Woods."


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A rabbi of a very large orthodox synagogue wakes up on Yom Kippur and it is a beautiful day. A perfect day for golf he thinks and he decides to sneak out for an early round.

 

The course is empty and he grabs his bag and walks the course.

 

God and Moses are looking down and see what is happening. Moses says, "Look at that rabbi playing golf on Yom Kippur. How disrespecful."

 

God says, "don't worry, I'll take care of it."

 

The rabbi gets up to the first hole and hits a 300 yard drive down the fairway. Next shot he chips onto the green and sinks his putt for a birdie.

 

What follows is a round of golf to end all rounds of golf. Birdie after birdie ending on a hole in one on the 18th hole.

 

Moses looks at God and says, "I thought you were going to teach him a lesson but instead the rabbi has just played the greatest round of his life."

 

God looks at Moses and smiles, "Yes, but who's he going to tell?"


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Reply with quote  #14 

Bro Joe, thank you for helping to lighten the mood on what has become a much too contentious board lately.   There are indeed many matters of great

concern in our world today, but nobody on this board created those problems, and I'm fairly certain nobody here has the solutions, so why not stop attacking each other?  Take a few deep breaths and chill.  Too much stress is not a good thing.  Believe me, I can attest to that.  Some of us have a big reunion coming up this October.  It would be nice if at least some of us are still on speaking terms when the time comes. 

BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #15 
John, I'm sure that as  10/7 arrives the acrimony will evaporate  while the intervening years dissipate  as all get back into the reverie of those wonderful Mater Christi years.  I hope to see you all there.
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