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TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #1021 
Quote:
I hope pic appears w/text -


One of your greatest virtues is perseverance. I can tell.

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laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #1022 
Dan,

That really sounded much more like the joke was originally aimed at the Conservatives, country club set and all....

Barry


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tom70

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Reply with quote  #1023 

CLICK HERE 


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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #1024 


Subject: Santa's Bad Day

 One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for  his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

 Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as  fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure
of  being behind schedule.

 Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out who knows
where. More stress.

 Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the
toy  bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa
went  into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

 When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the
liquor  and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped  the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over
the  kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the  straw it was made from.

 Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.


 The angel said very cheerfully "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"

 Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


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Bro. Joe
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Reply with quote  #1025 
During a commercial airline flight, a Navy pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly
as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he
gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true Navy pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years I've been chewing gum."



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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #1026 

 

The Story Behind The 12 Days Of Christmas


There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge that won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas? From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.

Three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit - Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

 

Eight Maids A-milking were  the eight beatitudes.

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit - Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

"So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish."

May God grant you peace and happiness throughout this Christmas Season!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

 


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TonyCasamento69

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Reply with quote  #1027 

Russell, I don't think so.  Do you have a source? 


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Tony Casamento '69
Tony71

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Reply with quote  #1028 
Quote:
Originally Posted by webguy

Russell, I don't think so.  Do you have a source? 

Hey, isn't this one . It should go on the "enlightenment" thread but since it's not true, it wouldn't be enlightening.

This website is one that promotes this theory:
http://www.appleseeds.org/12_days-christmas.htm

However, Snopes.com clarifies that it is an attempt to add symbolism to a purely secular song. You can view Snopes report at http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/12days.asp



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laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #1029 
It clearly sounds like a Merry song of the wealthy merchant class from the 1800s to me. They had no reason of persecution to hide direct references. These were the original commercialisers of Christmas (see I spelled it out)

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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #1030 

IF A FAT GUY GRABS YOU AND PUTS YOU IN A BAG, 
DON'T WORRY,  I TOLD SANTA I WANTED A GOOD FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS!    
 
 
 
 

 

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Bro. Joe
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Reply with quote  #1031 



 

Joe had been having headaches for many years and his wife finally convinced
him to see a neurologist.
 
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that, it will require castration. You have a very rare condition
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
 
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
 
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
 
He walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing
store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
 
He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
 
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "Let's see, size 44 long."
 
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years," the tailor said.
 
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
 
Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "Sure."
 
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."
 
Joe was surprised, "That's right; how did you know?"
 
"Told ya... been in the business 60 years."
 
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around
the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
 
Joe though t for a moment and said, "Sure."
 
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
 
Joe laughed, "Ah ha, I got you on this one - I've worn a size 34 since I was
18 years old."
 
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
 
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS




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Bro. Joe
Tony71

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Reply with quote  #1032 


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laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #1033 
The way I heard Bro. Joes joke, and you really need audio to make it work right:
Husky, manly solid guy goes in to a urologist complaining of a whiny wimpy  voice (here is where the audio is essential) and is told that his.......well he is packing too much and the weight is stressing his abdomen.....needs to get a transplant with a smaller ....package.
After surgery his voice is deep and full of bass but he comes back and says he gets lots of dates but when they see the newer reduced package from the transplant they fade on him. He wants his old gear back..reverse the transplant!
Urologist...in a whiny, wimpy voice: "I am afraid that is impossible!"


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