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DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #16 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to dowith me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #17 
Subject: Bartender2

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.  The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical break through's, etc.......

The man was most impressed, but he wanted to test the robot further. He left the bar, then returned and took a different seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Raiders to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took yet
another stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out, "Uh..... 'bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e...y-o-u-r...p-e-o-p-l-e...g-o-i-n-g...t-o...n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...a-n-o-t-h-e-r...B-u-s-h ????



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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #18 

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

 

Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"


Al replied, "I don't know.  Let's ask our waiter."

 

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

 

The waiter said, "I don't know, Señor, I'll go ask the cook."

 

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No, sir, no Mexican Jews."

 

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

 

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos," gave the expected answer.  "I will check again Señor," and went back to the kitchen.

 

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

 

The waiter returned and said, "Señor, the head cook says, No Mexican Jews!"

 

"Are you certain?", Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

 

"Señor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

 



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Bro. Joe
BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #19 
 
Subject: Fw: Fw: Stanley]

 
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a
> >little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy
> >puts his hand and George asks him his name."Stanley," responds the
> >little boy.
> >
> >"And what is your question, Stanley?"
> >"I have 3 questions.
> >First why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
> >Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
> >votes?
> >And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
> >
> >Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
> >kiddies that they will continue after recess.
> >
> >When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
> >question time. Who has a question?"
> >A little girl puts up her hand. George points her out and asks her
> >name.
> >"Stephanie," she responds.
> >
> >"And what is your question, Stephanie?"
> >"Actually, I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq
> >without the support of the UN?
> >
> >Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,
> >whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
> >Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And
> >fifth,what the hell happened to Stanley?"


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Bro. Joe
JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #20 

What's The Point?


FXOC66

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Reply with quote  #21 

I like the third one from the left.

Cute! 

JimDavis

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Reply with quote  #22 

And I'll take the redhead!

 

SAMMY67

TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #23 
Donna, didn't you recently tell us you had piercing eyes?
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Terrence P. Tuffy

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Book of Sirach 5:10
FXOC66

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Reply with quote  #24 

I admit it.

Donna is right.

I like the third one cause she has D Cups!

DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #25 

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries

they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a

concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8

months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

 

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both

legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold

medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

 

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman

was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train

traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's

blond hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now

she's a senator from New York.

 

TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #26 
Which one's the third one?
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Terrence P. Tuffy

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Book of Sirach 5:10
FXOC66

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Reply with quote  #27 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanetP67

What's The Point?

Perhaps they're posing for the shot to be hung at the Tikrut post Office.

laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #28 
One of my favorite take-offs at Burningman a few years ago was a WET BHURKA CONTEST. I thought it was a cute idea.

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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #29 
Oldies but goodies.
 
 

  WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet
, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."




UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip t! he hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you
!




WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ........ "HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." ! He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is
5:00 AM Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece





SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT


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Bro. Joe
TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #30 
Why did the cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the locks of their hair?


Because, if they dragged them by their ankles they'd fill up with mud!

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

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Terrence P. Tuffy

Be steady in your convictions, and be a person of your word.
Book of Sirach 5:10
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