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laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #31 
Bro. Joe
You get an A for novelty and a B- for content.
TT
Haven't you heard a new joke since HS?


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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #32 

Thanks, Barry.  Frequently I'll get 8-12 Fwds from some regulars.  I'll try and post the 'A' quality ones from now on.  Obviously a slow day today.


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TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #33 
It's old - but it's still funny.
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Tony71

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Reply with quote  #34 

Quote:
Originally Posted by TerrencePTuffyLSA69
It's old - but it's still funny.

The same could be said about you. . .

 

Sorry Terry, that one was too easy


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JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #35 

I'm still laughing at the merry-go-round joke!!!

JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #36 

Subject: SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

BY Monday, August 21, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

 Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

 Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 Class 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum .

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 Class 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

 Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #37 
And that joke was not sent to set off a "war of the sexes".  It was sent to me by a man.    Just a little levity as the topic suggests.
jeffdasi

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Reply with quote  #38 

You forgot one :

 

 

                      You lie about your kids ages.

BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #39 
Great set there, Janet, thanks.
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Reply with quote  #40 

> from a friend in Iraq-

 

 

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty
> years,
> but he will kill any man who does.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
> he's
> very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
> among
> themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
> Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
>
> "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
>
> Answer - So the English can understand them.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
> announced, "Not guilty."
>
> "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
>
> Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
> the
> vase on the mantle piece?"
>
> "No," said himself, "but I'm  gettin' closer all the time."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
>
> A. A bachelor.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in
> the
> morning. I can't break her of it.
>
> Keenan:  What on earth is she doin' at that time?
>
> Finnegin: Waitin' for  me to come home.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
> "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
>
> "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
>
> "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your
> wife's appearance?"
>
> "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
> honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex
> life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and
> highlights of theirs? *
>
>
>  TIM
>


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Reply with quote  #41 
fun vintage here 
 
Subject: Gonorrhea Lectim
 
A New disease discovered
 
The centers for Disease Control and Prevention ha issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced  "gonna re-elect him". Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history,  tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all or nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.



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JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #42 

 

Thanks, I needed that!!! 

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Reply with quote  #43 


>
> > Subject:  Blonde Data
> >
> > there's a couple I haven't heard before...
> >
> > BLONDE LOGIC
> > Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench Talking........
> And
> > one blonde says to the other, "Which do You think is farther
> > away..........Florida or the moon?"
> >
> > The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can You see
> > Florida...?????"
> >
> > CAR TROUBLE
> > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it
> > died.
> >
> > After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says,
> > "What's the story?"
> >
> > He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
> >
> > She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> >
> > SPEEDING TICKET
> > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
> > he could see her license.
> >
> > She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act Together.
> Just
> > yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
> it
> > to you!"
> >
> > RIVER WALK
> > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> another
> > blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to
> the
> > other side?"
> >
> > The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
> back,
> > "You ARE on the other side."
> >
> > AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
> > A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
> > body hurt wherever she touched it.
> >
> > "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
> >
> > The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and Screamed,
> then
> > she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
> > screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
> > Everywhere she touched made her scream.
> >
> > The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
> >
> > "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
> >
> > "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
> >
> > KNITTING
> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> >
> > Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
> > wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
> > lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
> > bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
> >
> > "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> >
> > IN A VACUUM
> > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> > rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
> "If
> > you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
> >
> > She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> >
> > DOG NAMES
> > A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two New dogs,
> and
> > asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
> > was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
> >
> > Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
> >
> > "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"
> >
> >
> >
>


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JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #44 

Nothing like a good dose of laughter to start off the day.  Thank you!

BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #45 

OXFORD DICTIONARY'S LATEST DEFINITIONS

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

 

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

 

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

 

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

 

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

 

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power

 

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

 

Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

 

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

 

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

 

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

 

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

 

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

 

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

 

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

 

Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

 

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See, I am not injured yet ."

 

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Father: A banker provided by nature.

 

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got caught.

 

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

 

Politician: One who shakes your hand before after.

 

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.


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