Message Board User's Guide, Rules of Engagement, Posting Photos

 
Sign up  |   |   |  Latest Topics
 
 
 


Note: This topic is locked. No new replies will be accepted.


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 4 of 69      Prev   1   2   3   4   5   6   7   Next   »
BroJoe

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #46 
Ex-Girlfriend

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. 
 The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the  husband:
"She's my ex-girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right 
after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

__________________
Bro. Joe
BroJoe

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #47 
Jewish Comedy:
 
You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy .

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,

"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
 

__________________
Bro. Joe
BroJoe

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #48 

FAREWELL, MARINE

 

Forget Levity; a beautiful, powerful tribute from a Mom-

 


__________________
Bro. Joe
JohnKerins66

Avatar / Picture

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 2,485
Reply with quote  #49 

Ahhh! Italian and Jewish mother jokes?

There was an Italian mother and a Jewish mother who while great friends, always had a bit of rivalry regarding their sons’ accomplishments and the accomplishments of their people in general. When the Italian boy became a priest his mother thought she had won the competition. The Jewish mother was very respectful of all religious people, and living in a Catholic neighborhood she had a special regard for priests. So, Angelina was a little miffed when she told Sarah of Tony’s ordination and Sarah’s response was a nonchalant, “That’s nice.” Over the years Father Tony was elevated to monsignor, bishop and then cardinal. Each time Sarah’s response never varied, “That’s nice.” Although infuriated, Angelina kept her cool until the day Tony was elected pope. When she told Sarah the news and Sarah responded with “That’s nice,” Angelina when ballistic! “Sarah! My son is the pope! He’s the leader of the Catholic Church and it hundreds of millions of members. The only position higher would be to be God Himself!” Sarah just tilted her head and said, “Well, one of our boys made it.”


__________________

John 8:32
Veritas vos Liberabit
Marie

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 190
Reply with quote  #50 

 What a beautiful Marine tribute, I have sent it to two of my friends who have sons in the service.     Enough of the blonde "girl" jokes.......-                An Irishman,a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,"Corned beef and cabbage again! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said," Bologna again! If I get another bologna sandwich,I'm jumping too." The next day , the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The Blonde Guy opened his,saw bologna and jumped as well.    At the funeral,the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said,"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage,I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican"s wife was also weeping. " I would have given him tacos or enchiladas!          Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde's dark haired wife. {This is GOOD}   She said "Don't look at me. He made his own lunches!


__________________
Marie Bluett 1970
TerrencePTuffyLSA69

Avatar / Picture

SPONSOR & Russell's Pal
Registered:
Posts: 3,704
Reply with quote  #51 
And Barry thought I told old jokes!

__________________
Terrence P. Tuffy

Be steady in your convictions, and be a person of your word.
Book of Sirach 5:10


Registered:
Posts: N/A
Reply with quote  #52 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BroJoe

Sorry, this penultimate never made it through cyberspace -

 

Subject: A Riddle

 

 


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side
is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at
the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running
at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely
get out of this highly dangerous situation?


If you do not know, see answer below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!


 

--

 

Gee except for the being drunk part I actually got the correct answer. 

RFassetta

Century Club
Registered:
Posts: 242
Reply with quote  #53 

Two drunks were walking in front of the lion cage at the Central Park Zoo.

 

All of a sudden the lion lets out a load roar.

 

The first drunk says: " let's get out of here. "

 

The second drunk says: " Why? The movie is just starting!"

DanWillett67

Century Club
Registered:
Posts: 257
Reply with quote  #54 

French War Heroics

 

1) "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

 

--General George S. Patton

 

2) "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

 

--General Norman Schwartzkopf

 

3) "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

 

--Marge Simpson

 

4) "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."

 

--Jacques Chirac, President of France

 

 

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

 

--Rush Limbaugh

 

5) "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

 

--Regis Philbin

 

6) "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

 

--David Letterman

 

7) "War without France would be like ... World War II."

 

--Unknown

 

8) "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

 

--Dennis Miller

 

9) "They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

 

--Argus Hamilton

 

10) "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"

 

--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

 

11) "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."

 

--Rep. R. Blount, MO

 

12) "Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."

 

--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

 

 

13) The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

 

14) French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

 

(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

 

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

JanetP67

Avatar / Picture

Century Club
Registered:
Posts: 621
Reply with quote  #55 

I thank everyone for the laughter.....and I'm STILL laughing about the merry-go-round! 

TerrencePTuffyLSA69

Avatar / Picture

SPONSOR & Russell's Pal
Registered:
Posts: 3,704
Reply with quote  #56 
Quote:
I got the movie "The Aristocrats" that supposedly had every comic in the world (most of whom are Jewish) telling a famous old joke. Well, I watched it for ten minutes (which was probably nine more than I should have) and turned it off.


I like it. I thought it was cute. I even let the kids watch it.


__________________
Terrence P. Tuffy

Be steady in your convictions, and be a person of your word.
Book of Sirach 5:10
FXOC66

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 728
Reply with quote  #57 

Andrea,

The idea of the Aristocrats came from a very somber place.

After 9/11, Broadway was dimmed. People stayed home.  We were all in mourning.  Many comedy clubs. nightclubs etc voluntarily shut down for a spell or just served dinner.

Eventually as things came around, entertainers were warily wondering when they could open things up again.  When would it be ok to laugh again.

At a Friars' Club roast, Gilbert Gottfried decided to push the envelope and find out.

"The Aristicrats" joke had been around, in one form or another, since Adam told Satan, "Take my wife....Please!"

Gottfired got up and visibly trembling, told a particularly raucous version of the joke.  The comedians found that it was OK to laugh again.

This revived enough interest that Penn Gillette of Penn and Teller decided to summon a group of comedians and see who could make the joke the mosy outrageous.

There you have it!

I liked ithe film for a while.  I wasn't offended but I thought it became tedious.

If anyone wants to try for something offensive, but truly imaginative and hilarious, rent "Team America".

Be good,

FXOC '66

BroJoe

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #58 

 

 

Hillary's Driver

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in New
York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck
and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car
making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?, asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his  wife
gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate
love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The  rest
happened like lightning.


__________________
Bro. Joe
BroJoe

SPONSOR
Registered:
Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #59 

some vintage here -

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.

How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman-- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


__________________
Bro. Joe


Registered:
Posts: N/A
Reply with quote  #60 

Why do the French plant trees by the sides of their roads?

 

German soldiers like to march in the shade.

Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:


Create your own forum with Website Toolbox!