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laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #61 
Quote:

4) "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."

--Jacques Chirac, President of France



Dan,
I am fascinated that when the French were proven absolutely right on Iraq, the jokes were still told about them. I think the USA is the laughing stock of the planet, not the French. WWII was long time ago.....can't keep talking that one up. Mature nations know the meaning and downside of war, we unfortunately like to learn the hard way.....

BTW, I went to school with Argus (Jimmy) Hamilton. Spent too much time under his Baptist minister father in Oklahoma, and too much money on nose candy in Hollywood....but he is a very nice guy anyway.


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Curatolo

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Reply with quote  #62 

Brother Joe:

 

  I live in the politically correct corporate world, where I would lose my job if I posted or told some of the jokes you have posted.

 

  Keep 'em coming.  I am enjoying this!

 

- Bill '66

 

laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #63 
I think profanity like any part of the vocabulary has real value. It adds impact when impact is needed. It adds color. But like bad rock played extra loud it is no substitute for cleverness or creativity. Like teen fart comedy, there is no substitute for good writing.
Seinfeld was the perfect example of clever implied language and nuance. The humor was in the subtlety. The Daily Show use of profanity to mock censureship is on the opposite end of the spectrum but just as effective.


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Reply with quote  #64 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!

I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"



 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop  on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?",  but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.


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DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #65 

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. The following lines actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced as part of church services:

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.

Bring your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with

the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining,

super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:

"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #66 

Barry,

 

The aforementioned were jokes.  I just thought I would tell you.

laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #67 
Dan,

Must have taken taken a pill you called me by my name.....

Barry


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laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #68 
Tinker Air Force Base is located outside Oklahome City near Del City. Actual bill board:
"Going to Tinker? Stay at the Del Motel"


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DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #69 

Barry,

 

You do have a sense of humor.  Glad you found it.  Sorry for using another name.  The title of the piece was "A Little Levity Here".  You seemed to be going off the topic.

laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #70 
Dan,
Peace
Barry


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laguna_b

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Reply with quote  #71 
Since many here are over 50......and male

I heard this many years ago.....laughed myself silly even though it should be retitled 'over 80' since none of them apply to me

You know you are over 50 when:
1) You don't pass a restroom without taking a pee
2) You don't waste an erection even when you are alone
3) You never know if a fart is only a fart




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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #72 

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanWillett67

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------

 

That sounds like my parish choir.


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Curatolo

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Reply with quote  #73 

 

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love, Vinni

 

JanetP67

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Reply with quote  #74 

BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #75 

apologies to the fair-headed - too good to squash

Blonde Geometry

Attached is Problem # 3 on a recent geometry examination at our local college.

The graphic below is the solution submitted by a beautiful blonde student. She is a leader in several
key student organizations, and captain of the cheerleading squad.

After careful scrutiny, the student was given credit for a correct answer by the teacher. When hearing of
this, the Board of Trustees warned math professors to be more explicit in the wording of examinations but
was hesitant to suggest how.

I think she did very well! :-)

 


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