Message Board User's Guide,
The Washington Post Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. The Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest asking readers to supply alternate meanings for common words: 1. coffee, the person upon whom one coughs. 2. flabbergasted, appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. abdicate, to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. esplanade, to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. willy-nilly, impotent. 6. negligent, absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. lymph, to walk with a lisp. 8. gargoyle, olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. flatulence, emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. balderdash, a rapidly receding hairline. 11. testicle, a humorous question on an exam. 12. rectitude, the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Number One Idiot of 2008> >> >> >> >I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the> >poison control center.Â Today, this woman called in very upset because she> >caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the> >ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into> >the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened> >to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to> >kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the> >emergency room right away.> >> >Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.> >> >> >> >Number Two Idiot of 2008> >> >> >> >Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a> >life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of> >the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,> >they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter c oming toward them. It turned out> >that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that> >activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at> >Boeing.> >> >Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.> >> >> >> >Number Three Idiot of 2008> >> >> >> >A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the BranchÂ > >and> >wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line,> & gt;waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had> >seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the> >teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to> >the Wells Fargo Bank.> >> >After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo> >teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't> >the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his> >stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and> >that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back> >to Bank of America.> >> >Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a> >few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.> >> >Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it=2 0anyway.> >> >> >> >Number Four Idiot of 2008> >> >> >> >A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of> >the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,Â > >the> >robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the> >shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier> >refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber> >said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she> >didn't believe him.> >> >At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and> >gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was> >in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ranÂ > >from> >the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave> >the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They> >arrested the robber two hours later.> >> >This guy definitely needs a sign.> >> >> >> >Idiot Number Five of 2008> >> >> >> >A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously wavingÂ > >revolvers.> >The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled> >first bandit shot him.> >> >This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.> >> >> >> >Idiot Number Six of 2008> >> >> >> >Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that> >he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some> >booze, and ru n. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head> >at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It> >seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was> >caught on videotape.> >> >> >> >Idiot Number Seven of 2008> >> >> >> >I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin ). We recently had a new> >neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the> >removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer> >are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for> >them to be crossing anymore.'
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.' They don't say, 'Hurry up.' Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
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