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TonyCasamento69

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Reply with quote  #1 
Thanks to Jan Costello '69 for this:

The Washington Post Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration:  The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone:  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon:  The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:  All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit:  The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug:  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor:  The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.


The Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest
asking readers to supply alternate meanings for common words:

1. coffee, the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. abdicate, to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, impotent.

6. negligent, absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.

7. lymph, to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle, olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence, emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash, a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle, a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude, the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.




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Tony Casamento '69
BrianODowd73

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Reply with quote  #2 
Must it only be one letter?

Rectumendation: Advice taken that leads one down the wrong path.

I would say something crass, but that wou'ldn't be nice.
TonyCasamento69

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Reply with quote  #3 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrianODowd73
Must it only be one letter?

Rectumendation: Advice taken that leads one down the wrong path.

I would say something crass, but that wou'ldn't be nice.


Good one.  Hey, we don't have the one letter rule on this board.

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Tony Casamento '69
BobJohnston

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Reply with quote  #4 
How about the beginning of a new religion?  It would be called "Cybertology".  The belief that all of the e mails that say we must read this and send it to fifteen people in ten minutes so something bad won't happen to us, is actually a faithful tenet with complete merit. 
Now after reading this post, send it to at least three other message boards within the hour and spread the word of (insert prophet's name here).

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ClemJohnsonMC65

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Reply with quote  #5 
I recently read that a "Cyberchondriac" is someone who is suddenly MUCH more ill after having read all about their symptoms on the internet, in places like "WebMD.com."






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TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #6 
Madoff (n): The guy who "made off" with all your money. Example: as in my case; a General Contractor.
(v) He madoffed me.

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Terrence P. Tuffy

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willbillbedamned

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Reply with quote  #7 
  How about "modelator" for an ideal moderator??

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TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #8 
How 'bout, "FORNIGATOR" (n) .

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Terrence P. Tuffy

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ClemJohnsonMC65

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Reply with quote  #9 
Folks down here in Gainesville would surely go for that one!!!





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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #10 


WHY GOD MADE MOMS


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

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italianmom225

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Reply with quote  #11 

Number One Idiot of 2008
> >
> >
> >
> >I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
> >poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
> >caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
> >ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
> >the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
> >to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
> >kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the
> >emergency room right away.
> >
> >Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
> >
> >
> >> >Number Two Idiot of 2008
> >
> >
> >
> >Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
> >life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
> >the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
> >they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter c oming toward them. It turned out
> >that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that
> >activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
> >Boeing.
> >
> >Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
> >
> >
> >
> >Number Three Idiot of 2008
> >
> >
> >
> >A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the BranchÂ
> >and
> >wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line,
> & gt;waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
> >seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the
> >teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
> >the Wells Fargo Bank.
> >
> >After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
> >teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
> >the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
> >stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
> >that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
> >to Bank of America.
> >
> >Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a
> >few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
> >
> >Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it=2 0anyway.
> >
> >
> >
> >Number Four Idiot of 2008
> >
> >
> >
> >A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
> >the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,Â
> >the
> >robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
> >shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
> >refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber
> >said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
> >didn't believe him.
> >
> >At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
> >gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was
> >in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ranÂ
> >from
> >the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
> >the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
> >arrested the robber two hours later.
> >
> >This guy definitely needs a sign.
> >
> >
> >
> >Idiot Number Five of 2008
> >
> >
> >
> >A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously wavingÂ
> >revolvers.
> >The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
> >first bandit shot him.
> >
> >This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
> >
> >
> >
> >Idiot Number Six of 2008
> >
> >
> >
> >Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
> >he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
> >booze, and ru n. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
> >at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
> >seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was
> >caught on videotape.
> >
> >
> >
> >Idiot Number Seven of 2008
> >
> >
> >
> >I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin ). We recently had a new
> >neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
> >removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer
> >are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for
> >them to be crossing anymore.'



 




BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #12 

 
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

  Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End


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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
Watch this' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his
seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to crap all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a wellspring dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #14 

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.


A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!


Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.


When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.


They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'


They don't say, 'Hurry up.'


Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.


They wear glasses and funny underwear.


They can take their teeth and gums out.


Grandparents don't have to be smart.


They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'


When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.


Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.


They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.



A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!


It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.


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Reply with quote  #15 
smirks or sparks here -

 

Today's History Lesson!!!!!

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, soldiers, sailors, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively (including some rare flower breeders). Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world
history......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain.
Have a great day!

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