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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #256 
Spread the Stupidity

 

Only in America ........do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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  Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

  ___________________________________

     Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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  Only in America ........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

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  Only in America .......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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  EVER WONDER ...

  Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens

Our skin?

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  Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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  Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

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  Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

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  Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

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  Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

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  Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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  Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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  Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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  Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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  You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! 

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  Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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  Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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  If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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  If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do we call the place you park your car - driveway,

And the place you drive it - parkway.

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  Now that you've smiled at least once, We all need to smile every once in a while.


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #257 
The Wisdom of Bob Hope:
 
ON TURNING 70
 'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

 

ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

 

ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake..'

 

ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old.  In fact  I don't feel anything until noon.  Then  it's time for my nap.'

 

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring.  The referee kept stepping on them.'

  

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'


 
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession.  Show business is just to pay the green fees..'


 
ON PRESIDENTS
' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

 

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'


 
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed.  When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

 
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

 

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

 

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
 
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter  on a technicality.'


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #258 

Wednesday Funnies!
 
One  day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.  'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied  her up and went  golfing.


**************************************************


A  woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your  bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I  pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get  out.'


**************************************************

Marriage  is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a  husband.


**************************************************


A  Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First,  of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with  the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


'Can you read this?' the  optician asked.


'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'  


**************************************************
 

Mother Superior called all the nuns  together and said to them,


'I must tell you all something. We have a case  of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the  back. 'I'm so tired of  chardonnay.'


**************************************************

A wife  was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her  husband burst into the kitchen.


'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some  more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE  BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER  listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget  to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the  world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'  


The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels  like when I'm  driving.'


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JohnByrne71

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Reply with quote  #259 
Have you heard about McDonald's new "Obama Value Meal?"  It's great.  Order anything you want and the guy behind you has to pay. 

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #260 

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


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JohnKerins66

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Reply with quote  #261 

Getting Married 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited

about their decision to get married. They Go for a stroll to discuss the

wedding, and on the way they Pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go

in. 

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes." 

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds " 

*Jacob: " Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely." 

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!" 

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." 

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for

Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." 

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do." 

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes." 

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure." 

**Jacob: "Then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."


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DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #262 

This could be us in a few years.... or even now! Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching he car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" the trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? "These women seem awfully shaken."


"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.



We just got off Route 127."

DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #263 
A new twist on Little Johnny

Early Dismissal


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.


Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #264 

Mathematical Logic!

 

 

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
 
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
 
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

 
 
What Makes 100%?
 
 
 
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
 
 
 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
 
 
 
How about achieving 103%?
 
 
 
What makes up 100% in life?
 
 Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
 
 If:
 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
 
 is represented as:
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
 
 Then:
 
 H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
 
 and
 
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 But ,

 
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 And,

 
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
 
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


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TonyCasamento69

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Reply with quote  #265 
Just to show that us Democrats have a sense of humor and can laught at ourselves:




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Tony Casamento '69
RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #266 

What movie is that from?


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Ken

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Reply with quote  #267 
Russell,

All you had to do is Google: zombies, democrats, Hope and you would have found out it from the 1940 film "The Ghost  Breakers."


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #268 
Ken,

If I'd gone to google to look up the name of the movie,
I wouldn't be talking to people in here.

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