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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #16 
Maxine-less here
 
 As You Slide Down the Banister of Life,
             Just Remember:



1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
    An impressive new book.  It's called .......
   'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
 
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
    And be Mary.
 
3. The difference between the Pope and
    Your boss,  the Pope only expects you
    To kiss his ring.
 
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
    Flash  and it is gone.
 
5. The only time the world beats a path to
    Your door is if you're in  the bathroom.
 
 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
    The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
    That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
 
7. It used to be only death and taxes
    Now, of course, there's
    shipping and handling, too.
  
8 A husband is someone who, after taking
     the trash out, gives the impression that
     he just cleaned the whole house.
 
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
    Vending machines and a  large trash can.
 
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
       Mechanic might try to rip me off.
      I was relieved when he told me all
      I needed was turn signal fluid.'
 
11. Definition of a teenager?
     God's punishment...for enjoying sex.  
 
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
     The splinters never point the wrong way

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Reply with quote  #17 

 Then The Fight Started


When I got home last night, my wife  demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a  gas station.....
And then the fight started....
****

My  wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do  you want to have sex?" "No,"  she answered. I  then said, "Is that your final answer?" She  didn't even look at me this time, simply saying  "Yes." So I  said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And  then the fight started....
 ********

After retiring, I went to the Social  Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the  counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
> I looked in  my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman  that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your  chest is proof enough for me' And she processed my Social Security application. When
I  got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should  have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
****

Saturday morning I got up  early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped  quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and  proceeded to back out into
a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing  50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and  discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to  my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The  weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied,  'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's  how the fight started ...
 ****

My wife and I were sitting at a table  at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady  swigging her drink as she sat alone at A nearby table. My wife  asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old  girlfriend. I  understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!'
says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
 And then the fight started.....
****

 I rear-ended a car this  morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other  driver got out  of  his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo  stressed and Little
things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't  believe it.... He was a  DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up  at me, and shouted, 'I AM  NOT HAPPY! !!' So, I looked down at him  and said, 'Well, then which one are  you?'
 And then the fight  started.....
 ****

 I took my wife to a restaurant. The  waiter, for some reason, took my order  first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium  rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't  you worried about the  mad cow?'
 'Nah, she can order for  herself.' 
 And then the fight  started.....
  ****

 A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is  not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel  horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a  compliment.'   The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near  perfect.'
 And then the fight started.....
 

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Bro. Joe
BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #18 
possibly vintage -


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.   Women did all the work, Medicine man free.  Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.


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Reply with quote  #19 
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)








After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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Terrence P. Tuffy

Be steady in your convictions, and be a person of your word.
Book of Sirach 5:10
TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #20 
Is the Mac Catholic?
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Be steady in your convictions, and be a person of your word.
Book of Sirach 5:10
BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #21 
fFor you Golfers
 
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion,multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
 
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
 
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
 
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
 
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's' butt.'
 
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
 
'I don't remember much after that...'


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Reply with quote  #22 


You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.






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Bro. Joe
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Reply with quote  #23 

 
 
  
 
And old man goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra.
  'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
 
'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
 
'I am 96' said the old man.  'I don't want an erection.
 
 I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #24 


The Good Grandpa

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandfather and his
(very) poorly-behaving 3 year-old grandson.

At every turn, it's obvious that Grandpa has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle. Yelling for cookies in the cookie aisle. Same for cereal and soda and toys.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is carefully working his way around -- saying in a composed, controlled voice -- "Easy, Albert, we'll be out of here soon.
Easy, boy."

After yet another outburst she hears Grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart onto the floor. 

Again in an impressively calm, controlled voice Grandpa is saying, "Okay Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes.  Just stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman follows the two of them outside, where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 

She says; "You know, sir, it's none of my business -- but you were amazing in there!
How did you do  it?? That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
"things would be okay."  Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather.  "But I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is Johnny."



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JohnKerins66

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Reply with quote  #25 

Here's a real JOKE!


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Veritas vos Liberabit
RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #26 

 

Your Yearly Dementia Test                                             
                                                                       
  It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. 
       
  Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.                                             
  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.          
                                                                        
              
  1. What do you put in a toaster?                                      
                                                                        
   Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.                                                                 
  Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2       
                                                                   
  2. Say " silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?      
                                                                      
  Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next  question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto  World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.            
                                                                        
                                                                      
  3. If a red house is made from red bricks
and a blue house is made from blue bricks
and a pink house is made from pink bricks
and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a greenhouse made from?      
                                                                        
                                                                
  Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"  why are you still reading these???                                   
 If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.                              
                                                                        
                                                                     
  4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?            
                                                                        
                                                                        
 Answer: You don't bury survivors.                                     
  If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors",
 proceed to the next question.        
                                                                        
                                                                     
  5. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on . 
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.                                  
 
What was the name of the bus driver?                                  
                                                                        
                                                                                                                                        
  Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!                                      
 Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! 


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #27 
'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #28 
Drinking with a Canadian Girl

A  Mexican, an Arab, and a Canadian girl are in the same car.   When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass  to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with the same one twice.'  The  Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the  air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't  need to drink with the same one twice either.'  The Canadian  girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada  we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the  same ones twice.'

God Bless Canada!


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Reply with quote  #29 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE 
  
(1)   Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 
  
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour Five minutes is only five minutes if you ha ve just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 
  
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 
  
(5) Loud S igh: This is actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 
  
(6) That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous stateme nts a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake . 
  
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'). 
  
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU! 
  
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. 


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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #30 

 Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:

1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
 
2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank,  proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, “I've lost my electron.”  The other says, “Are you sure?”  The first replies,  “Yes, I'm positive.”
5.  Did you hear about the Hindu who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.
6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse; “But, why?” they asked, as t hey moved off.   “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him  Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, “They're twins !  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!”
8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he  suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's  good) a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10.  And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.
 

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