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DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #31 


Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch and then see the attached photo.

Religious Dog For Sale

* Free to good home.

* Excellent guard dog.

* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

* Most of them knew him as:

'Holy Shit'.

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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #32 


A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husand comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'D on't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .....
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'
His funeral service will be held Saturday.

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #33 
 
Why, Why, Why,
 
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone

believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
  

If people evolved from apes,

why are there still apes?  

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  

Is there ever a day that mattresses

are not on sale?  

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 
 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 

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DanWillett67

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Reply with quote  #34 
INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions'  to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,  'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'  

She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'  

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. 

jcapela

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Reply with quote  #35 

Negative People.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"
Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome
. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying inRome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's TiberRiver called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a

Dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced.


So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"

 


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #36 

The Death of Common Sense

Today, we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

 
· Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
· Why the early bird gets the worm;
· Life isn't always fair; and
· Maybe it was my fault.

 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (e.g. adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 step brothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.

 

   Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #37 

Vasectomy




After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was
> enough, as
> they could not afford a larger bed.
>
> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
> he and his
> cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was
a procedure called a
> vasectomy that
> could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A
> less costly
> alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get
> a cherry bomb,
> (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it
> in a beer
> can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
>
> The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
> smartest tool in the
> shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a
> beer can next to my
> ear is going to help me..'
>
> 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
>
> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
> beer can. He
> held
> the can up to his ear and began to count!
> '1'
>
> '2'
>
> '3'
>
> '4'
>
> '5'
>
> ( you'll love this..)
>
> At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his
> legs and
> continued counting on his other hand.
>
> This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana ,
> Arkansas ,
> Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia,
> Missouri
> ....and Washington DC.


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TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #38 
Russell? Are you getting these jokes from "willbillbedamned"?
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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #39 
No.
This last one I got from Broadway Lion on another website.

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willbillbedamned

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Reply with quote  #40 
TerrencePTuffyLSA69 Russell? Are you getting these jokes from "willbillbedamned"?
    I resemble that remark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #41 

And I seem to resemble you Will!

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TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #42 
Triplets!

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #43 
ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Eacha of DA trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

 (You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #44 

The Black Bra 

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. 

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for
20+ years. 

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our 
Men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
eyes. 

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. 

Here's how it all went. 

My engaged friend: 

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. 
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' 
Then we made love all night long. 

The mistress: 

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
the leather bodice,Heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex 
all night. 

Then I had to share my story: 

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, Black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. 
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 
"What's for dinner, Batman?" 


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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #45 

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"


  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 
      He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an 
      optical
Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a 
      weapon of math disruption.

  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in
France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 
      'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his 
      grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
 
 

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