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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #46 



 New Element Discovered


 Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the
 heaviest element yet known to science.

 The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
 These 312 particles are held together by forces
 called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
 lepton-like particles called peons.  Since Governmentium has
 no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
 because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
 contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction
 that would normally take less than a second, to take from
 four days to four years to complete.

 Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6
 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a
 reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons
 and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
 Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
 since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
 neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron
 promotion leads some scientists to believe that
 Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
 concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
 critical morass.

 When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
 Administratium , an element that radiates just as much
 energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but> twice as many morons.


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Reply with quote  #47 


 
News from the Business World
 
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?   Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker?   A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria.  if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'.  I  won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's
New Stock Market Terms
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investment banker to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who should be now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
 
 

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TerrencePTuffyLSA69

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Reply with quote  #48 
Note on frig.

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Be steady in your convictions, and be a person of your word.
Book of Sirach 5:10

BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #49 

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.  When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “It’s Lent.”
 In tears, she sobbed, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!  Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”
 

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Reply with quote  #50 


THREE BODIES AT THE MORTUARY
 
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
 
The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
 
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
 
"The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
 
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck  by lightning."
 
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
 
"Thought she was having her picture taken.

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #51 

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why
do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"


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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #52 


THREE THOUGHTS TO PONDER..

 
 (1) Zero Gravity   
When N ASA  started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.  To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.  Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.


(2)Our Constitution
'They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for  Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?   It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore.'


(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!   It creates a hostile work environment.

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Reply with quote  #53 
Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.. Dumb ass.

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Be steady in your convictions, and be a person of your word.
Book of Sirach 5:10
jcapela

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Reply with quote  #54 
Great Jewish Sex

The Italian man said, 'Last week, my
wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body
all over with Olive Oil, we made passionate love,
and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.
 
 
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and
had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter.
We then made passionate love and she screamed
for 10 minutes!'

 
The Jewish man said, 'Well, last week my wife
and I also had sex. I rubbed Schmaltz (chicken fat)
all over her body. We made love, and she screamed for
over six hours!'

The other two were stunned. The
amazed Frenchman asked,
What could you have possibly
done to make your wife
scream for six hours?'
 
The Jewish man said............
 
 
I wiped my hands on the bedspread.

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #55 
Today is Friday the 13th.

The superstition that Friday is unlucky has been around for hundreds of years. Chaucer mentioned it in his Canterbury Tales, and by the 1800s, there was a whole list of things that were unlucky to do on a Friday, including needleworking, writing letters, beginning a sea voyage, moving, getting married, and going to the doctor. As for 13, its status as an unlucky number probably comes from the Bible — Judas Iscariot was said to be the 13th guest to sit at the table at the Last Supper. By the 1700s, it was a common superstition that if 13 people sat down at a table together, one of them would die. Eventually the number 13 became unlucky in any circumstance. Many hotels still skip the 13th floor, labeling it as 14. At some point, these two superstitions were combined into a fear of Friday the 13th.

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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #56 
part vintage -


 

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of  Panadol also has a generic name
of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also
called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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Reply with quote  #57 
    Russell, I was born on the 13th of July, my father on the 13th of August and my brother on the 13th of September. Needless to say, when I lived in the city and played the numbers, I played 313. My wife and I were in Canarsie recently and went looking for my grandfather's grave. He died when my dad was young, so I never knew him. Couldn't find it so we went to the office. They looked it up, plot 313. On my 40th birthday a group of us went out to eat, one guy's wife couldn't make it. Want to guess how many for dinner on my 40th?? Although none of us are dead yet, I imagine that sooner or later, we will all be.

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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #58 



A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten  the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

  The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
   As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

   He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a
couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

       He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled
up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.    I noticed the
'What Would Jesus Do'bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem  o n the trunk,

so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Priceless.

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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #59 
from a '65 MC grad -

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY  OF AMBIGUITY....(as well as the idiosyncrasies of  English)



1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,  FLOOR.....
2.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET  ORGANIZATION.

3.  IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE  MONKEYS AND APES?
 
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS  BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS  LIVE.
 
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE  SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP  SECTION?" SHE SAID IF  SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
 
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO  HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
 
7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS  MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
 
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE  PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT  CONSIDERED  A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
 
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR  SYNONYM?
 
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM  IT ALL?"
 
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED  ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
 
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED,  CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
 
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A  WALK?
 
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE  THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE  HOMELESS OR NAKED?
 
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL  CRACKERS?
 
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM  HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
 
18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE  SLICED BREAD?
 
19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T  TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
 
20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL  WAR?
 
21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE  REST DROWN TOO?
 
22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD  YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
 
23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE  YOU DONE?
 
24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP"  TO HAVE "S" IN IT?
 
25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS"  INSTEAD OF  "ASTEROIDS"?
 
26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T  SHOOT AT THEM?
 
27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR  CREAM?
 

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BroJoe

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Reply with quote  #60 
hopefully not vintage here-

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
 
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in c hurch services (Summer, 2007 Release).
----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---- ---- --------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------- --------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
---------------- -------------- ----- ---------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 ---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 
------ -------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------- --------- ------------------- ---
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------- ------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled t he church's new tithing campaign   slogan:  Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'


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