Message Board User's Guide,
VERY FUNNY FOR US WHO REMEMBER
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this maybring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are fromthe days when' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous,not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking thequestions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should yoube?A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or awoman?A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he'smarried?A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your handswhile talking?A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'llgive you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going toget any during the first year?A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudistcamps. One is politics, what is the other?A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will agoose do?A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting intothe habit of kissing a lot of people?A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?A.. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,what was he trying to do?A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or yourelephant?A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them andhas actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do inbed?A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
'The Price Of Fuel In France '
A thief in Paris planned to steal somePaintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security,Stole the paintings, and made it safely to hisVan.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out offuel.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obviouserror, he replied,'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send This on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figuredI had nothing Toulouse .
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is nowbeing called Wal Mart Street .3. The difference between a pigeon and a investment broker ... The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment broker? A tie.5. The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be reading this -- if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
You know you're living in 2009 when...1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
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