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Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #61 
I hope you can view this video - unfortunately for school types not much to laugh about here -

So You Think You Are Safe When You Using Combination Locks?    Think Again!
 This is just what we need: One idiot kid telling many idiot kids how to open combination
padlocks without tools, skills, or  intelligence required! Just in case you were feeling like
 you were safe. WATCH THIS!
 I  received the following video and I thought that you might find it of some use, especially since
many of us use lockers secured with combination padlocks at the gym, locker rooms at various clubs,
storage buildings in our back yards, etc.!
  I wouldn't have believed this until I saw this video.
Be Forewarned:  If you notice cut up soft drink cans lying around, you might check your belongings
that you had safely padlocked for safe keeping they just might not be where you left them!


Bro. Joe

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Reply with quote  #62 
In the meantime.....

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known
as 'C.S.D.'

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D .
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,
or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday
from a MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch!

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Reply with quote  #63 

Ye olde joke


A Republican walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Isn't that Jesus over there?" When the bartender said "Yes," the Republican sent over a drink. "Put it on my tab," he said.

A little later a Libertarian walked in. "Say," he said, "Isn't that Jesus sitting over there?" The barman said, "Yes," so the Libertarian sent over a hamburger.

Presently a Democrat showed up, noticed Jesus and sent over a plate of french fries.

Jesus soon left. On his way out he stopped to talk to the Republican. "Thanks for the drink," he said; "It was really good. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Well," said the Republican, "I'm facing knee surgery..." "Don't say another word," said Jesus as he laid a hand on the man's knee. "You are healed."

Jesus came to the Libertarian and said, "Thanks for the hamburger. It was really good. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Well," said the Libertarian, "I have cataracts..." Jesus placed his fingers on the man's eyes and said, "You are healed."

Finally, Jesus came to the Democrat. He thanked him for the fries and offered him any help he needed. "Don't touch me!" shouted the Democrat, "I'm on Disability!!"

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch!

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #64 

 Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.
Then one of  the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It wasn't  quite The same without him.
A new lady lawyer joined their firm. One day she overheard
the  remaining three talking about their golf round at the
coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up. "You know, I used to play on my
golf team in  college, and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined
you next  week?"
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on  the spot.
Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting
pretty  early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early tee-off time would
discourage her immediately.
The woman said this wouldn't be a problem, but asked if  it was ok as
she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes
but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there at 6:30 or possibly  6:45."
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round.
The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated
 her and happily invited her back the next week.
She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6.30 or 6:45."
The next week, she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only
this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as
she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with
her off-hand.
By now, the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just
trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out.
In the third week, they all had their game faces on. But this week,
she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each
was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her..
As they waited for her, they figured Her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.
This week, the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good
thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so
gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to
keep a grudge against her.
Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability.
They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen
up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point
blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'When my Dad taught me to play golf, I
learned  I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then when I met my husband in college and  got married, I discovered he always
sleeps in the nude.  From then on, I developed a silly habit. Before I leave in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know- what'
Was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed,
and if it was pointing to the left, I golfed left-handed."
All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, the wittiest one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it pointed straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late!"

Bro. Joe

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #65 



Hollywood Squares:

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes.  These great questions and answers are from
the days when' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous,
not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
questions, of course..

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never  forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A.. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Bro. Joe

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #66 
 not exactly Berlitz here-

Capeeshe Italiano........

I'm sending this out to every person I know who is Italian, could be Italian, married an Italian, lived with Italians or wants to be Italian......!!!!!

Let's s tart at the beginning.

Come stai? Molto bene.. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian from Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should.

But what about the goompa(copare) speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little Italian, a little American, and a little slang . Words every Paesano and Bacciagaloop has heard, - words we hear throughout our Little Italy neighborhood of New York

This form of language, the "Goompa(Copare) Italiano " has been used for generations.  It's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real Guido talk!

The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Mama Mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool can also be used. Capeesh?

He uses a moppeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy and will shkeevats meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia.  Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz or a Me zzo-finookio.

There are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta, puttana or a schifosa.

If you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass. A crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you use it right. Don't forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego .

If you are feeling mooshadda or stounad or mezzo-morto, always head to Nonn a's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar ', or some ricotta cheesecake.
Mangia some zeppoles, canolis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso! I think I will fix myself a sangweech of cabacol' with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetza

So salud' if you have any Italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! Then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas.
If you don't get any of this, then fa Nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, Mia dispiachay, I didn't mean that.......


Bro. Joe

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #67 

reader advisory here -

Why's of Men

         (because they are plugged into a genius)
  (they don't have enough time)
    (they don't stop to ask directions)
 (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they  vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
 (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
 (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
 (don't never happened)
  ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite: 
    (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
 ------- ---------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  AMEN
 -------------------------------------------- --
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!  And send this to five bright men who  have enough sense of humor to take it!
Life may not be the party you hoped for... but while you are here, you may as well dance!

Bro. Joe

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #68 


'The Price Of Fuel In France '

A thief in Paris planned to steal some
Paintings from the Louvre.


After careful planning, he got past security,
Stole the paintings, and made it safely to his

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious
error, he replied,
'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

           I had no Monet

            to buy Degas


to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send This on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse .

Bro. Joe

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #69 

Acts  2:38

A woman  had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she  was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home  of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in  the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be  forgiven.)
The  burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and  explained what she had done.
As the  officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just  stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to  you.'
'Scripture?'  replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two  38s!'
Send this  to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save  your life - in more ways than one!

Bro. Joe

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #70 


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.  Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an        x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

Bro. Joe

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #71 

One morning the husband return s after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
Familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning,
Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Bro. Joe

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Reply with quote  #72 

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street .

3. The difference between a pigeon and a investment broker ... The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment broker? A tie.

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be reading this -- if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch!

Posts: 1,262
Reply with quote  #73 

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the case of crabs
in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think

Bro. Joe

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Posts: 2,684
Reply with quote  #74 

You know you're living in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch!

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Reply with quote  #75 

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

“When facism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” Sinclair Lewis
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