Message Board User's Guide,
A few years back a young architect took a world tour after graduating college. Traveling through the US he noticed a golden telephone in the various cathedrals he visited. If a priest was available in the cathedral he would ask what the phone was for. Always the response was the same, “It’s a direct line to Heaven. If you’d like to make a call the charge for three minutes is $1,500.” He was amazed, but declined the offer.
In Italy, France, Germany, throughout all Europe there was the phone and the answer was similar.
Stopping in Ireland, the last spot on his tour, the young architect saw a little local church that interested him. He when in and was amazed to see the same golden phone with a sign over it, “Direct line to Heaven – 10 minutes 10 pence”. He was shocked!
He found an old priest outside the church. He asked the priest. “How could the call to heaven be so cheap from this poor looking church, when everywhere else he had been that call was would have been $5,000?”
The old priest just smile and said, “Ah young fella, they were all long distance calls. You’re in Ireland now boyo. Sure Heaven a local call.
Why do we love children?
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old> shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it....
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot,
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers
and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington state are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?
You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There's another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
Charlotte , North CarolinaA lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insuredthem against, among other things, fire.Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigarsand without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policythe lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, thatthe man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued and WON!(Stay with me.)Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company thatthe claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyerheld a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigarswere insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them againstfire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and wasobligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurancecompany accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for hisloss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'. NOW FOR THE BEST PART..After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had himarrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case beingused against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insuredproperty and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.This is a true story and was the First Place winner in therecent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!!!ONLY IN AMERICA ----NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS !!!
I trust the person who send me an email today about it.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Is there a magic cut-off period when
offspring become accountable for their own
actions? Is there a wonderful moment when
parents can become detached spectators in
the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's
their life,' and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital
corridor waiting for doctors to put a few
stitches in my son's head. I asked, 'When do
you stop worrying?' The nurse said,
'When they get out of the accident stage.' My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties , I sat on a little
chair in a classroom and heard how one of my
children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
and was headed for a career making
license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher
said, 'Don't worry, they all go through
this stage and then you can sit back, relax and
enjoy them.' My dad just smiled
faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties , I spent a lifetime
waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come
home, the front door to open. A friend said,
'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,
in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be
adults.' My dad just smiled faintly
and said nothing.
By the time I was 50 , I was sick & tired of being
vulnerable. I was still worrying over my
children, but there was a new wrinkle. There
was nothing I could do about it. My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I
continued to anguish over their failures, be
tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in
My friends said that when my kids got married I
could stop worrying and lead my own
life. I wanted to believe that, but I was
haunted by my dad's warm smile and his
occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right?
call me the minute you get home . Are
you depressed about something? â€œ
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a
lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another
handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of
human frailties and the fears of the
unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue
that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable
recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been
calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed!
PARENT - Job Description This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability forthe quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Supported videos include:
Create your own forum with Website Toolbox!