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PeterFreni

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Reply with quote  #76 
The Congressman & the Little Girl  (a lesson to be learned)
 
 A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, he turned to her and said " Let's talk, I've heard that the flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

 "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about the banking crises?" and he smiles.

 "OK" she said. "That could be an interesting and timely topic; but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. A deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

 To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know shit?" 

     :0) .......... End of the lesson     Peter - class '67

JohnKerins66

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Reply with quote  #77 

A few years back a young architect took a world tour after graduating college. Traveling through the US he noticed a golden telephone in the various cathedrals he visited. If a priest was available in the cathedral he would ask what the phone was for. Always the response was the same, “It’s a direct line to Heaven. If you’d like to make a call the charge for three minutes is $1,500.”  He was amazed, but declined the offer.

 

In Italy, France, Germany, throughout all Europe there was the phone and the answer was similar.

 

Stopping in Ireland, the last spot on his tour, the young architect saw a little local church that interested him.  He when in and was amazed to see the same golden phone with a sign over it, “Direct line to Heaven – 10 minutes 10 pence”. He was shocked!

 

He found an old priest outside the church.  He asked the priest. “How could the call to heaven be so cheap from this poor looking church, when everywhere else he had been that call was would have been $5,000?”

 

The old priest just smile and said, “Ah young fella, they were all long distance calls. You’re in Ireland now boyo.  Sure Heaven a local call.


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #78 

Why do we love children?
  

 1) NUDITY
       I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
 evening when

       a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.  She was stark naked!

      As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old> shout from the back seat,

      'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
 
 2) OPINIONS
       On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from

       his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by
       this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
 
 3) KETCHUP
                 A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
      During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
 answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
 She's hitting the bottle.'
 
 4) MORE NUDITY
 
                 A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
 women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
 ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
 amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little
 boy before?'
 
  5) POLICE # 1
                 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
 school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
 down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and
 continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should
 ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
 then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my
 shoe?'
 
  6) POLICE # 2
                 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in  front

 of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was  barking,

 and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got  back there?' he asked.
 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of
 the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
 

  7) ELDERLY
                 While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
 elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
 rounds.. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old
 age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
 staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
 the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The
 tooth fairy will never believe this!'
 
  8) DRESS-UP
                 A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
 When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
 wear that suit.'
                 'And why not, darling?'
                 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

  9) DEATH
                 While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
 minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
 Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
 Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
 and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
 deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
 and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
 always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the
 hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
 
 10) SCHOOL
                 A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
 write, and they won't let me talk!'
 
 11) BIBLE
  A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated
  as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

  He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf
  that had been pressed in between the pages.
                'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
                 'What have you got there, dear?'
 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

   'I  think it's Adam's underwear!'


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Tony71

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Reply with quote  #79 

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"


God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,

"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael  looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
 
"It's a planet," replied God,  "and I've put life on it....

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.."
 
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe

will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,  while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things."
 
God continued pointing to different  countries. "This one will be extremely hot,

while this one will be very  cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's  Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers

and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington state are going to be handsome,

modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable,

hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?

You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's another Washington .  Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"


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Reply with quote  #80 

The Fisherman
 A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
 
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
 
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
 
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.
 
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'  'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
     
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information , and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
  
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'  'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
 
'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem.  You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
 
 

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Bro. Joe
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Reply with quote  #81 
The Power Of Liquid

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.  If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

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Bro. Joe
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Reply with quote  #82 

 
1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.   He thought he was God and I didn't
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes .
11.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
13.  The trouble with life is there's no background music .
14...A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18... Procrastinate Now!    
19...He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21... A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
24  ..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

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Bro. Joe
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Reply with quote  #83 

SILVER SCREW

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.  All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.  He avoided leaving his house  .. . ..  and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.  He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.  The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.  In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!  Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #84 

Charlotte , North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire.


Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the
recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!!!

ONLY IN AMERICA ----NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS !!!


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TonyCasamento69

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Reply with quote  #85 
Russell,

Amusing story - but what makes you believe it's true?

Click here.


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #86 

I trust the person who send me an email today about it.


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #87 

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand  what we are teaching???

 

 

 

 

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

 

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. 

 

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. 

 

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. 

 

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

 

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

 

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

 

 After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

 

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

 


 
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

 

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

 

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

 

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. 

 

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New..  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

 

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

 

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

 

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

 

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #88 
 The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the  
                United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)  

 These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan  and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists :
 
 1. The season opened today.
 2. There is no limit..
 3. They taste just like chicken.
 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .
 
 The Pentagon expects the problem in  Afghanistan  to be over by Friday.

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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #89 

WORRY.

 

Is there a magic cut-off period when

offspring become accountable for their own

actions?  Is there a wonderful moment when

parents can become detached spectators in

the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's

their life,' and feel nothing?

 

When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital

corridor waiting for doctors to put a few

stitches in my son's head.  I asked, 'When do

you stop worrying?'  The nurse said,

'When they get out of the accident stage.'  My

Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

 

When I was in my thirties , I sat on a little

chair in a classroom and heard how one of my

children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,

and was headed for a career making

license plates.  As if to read my mind, a teacher

said, 'Don't worry, they all go through

this stage and then you can sit back, relax and

enjoy them.'  My dad just smiled

faintly and said nothing.

 

When I was in my forties , I spent a lifetime

waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come

home, the front door to open.  A friend said,

'They're trying to find themselves.  Don't worry,

in a few years, you can stop worrying.  They'll be

adults.'  My dad just smiled faintly

and said nothing.

 

By the time I was 50 , I was sick & tired of being

vulnerable.  I was still worrying over my

children, but there was a new wrinkle.  There

was nothing I could do about it.  My

Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.  I

continued to anguish over their failures, be

tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in

their disappointments.

 

My friends said that when my kids got married I

could stop worrying and lead my own

life.  I wanted to believe that, but I was

haunted by my dad's warm smile and his

occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right?  

call me the minute you get home .  Are

you depressed about something? “

 

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a

lifetime of worry?  Is concern for one another

handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of

human frailties and the fears of the

unknown?  Is concern a curse or is it a virtue

that elevates us to the highest form of life?

 

One of my children became quite irritable

recently, saying to me, 'Where were you?  I've been

calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'

I smiled a warm smile.  

 

The torch has been passed!


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RussellDoucetteof73

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Reply with quote  #90 

PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


JOB DESCRIPTION :


Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :


The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :


None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION
:

Get this!   You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses..
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS
:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


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